If You Don't Like Your Priest

I talk to a lot of Catholics who feel mistreated by priests. Because Catholic priests have so much power--turning a wafer into the real presence of Christ--problems with priests are especially painful. Here is some advice on how to handle the situation if you don't like your priest.

• Give the priest the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was tired and irritable when he did something you didn't like because he was at the hospital all night with a dying person. Or maybe he has health problems. I know I am not at my best when I am sleep-deprived or coming down with the flu.
• Try talking to the guy. He is, after all, a human being.

Sometimes, priests just refuse to talk to you or the situation can't be resolved. In that case your options are:

• Attend masses when other priests are officiating.
• Change churches. Send a resignation letter to the church. Forward a copy to his bishop.
• If you don't want to change churches, pointedly refuse to receive communion from his hands. Show up at mass. Sit close to him so that he knows you are there. When the wafers are distributed, remain in your seat or walk past him to get a wafer from a eucharistic minister. This snub will speak volumes and he will get the message loud and clear. Rush past him after mass without shaking his hand. These tactics are an absolute last resort, though, to be used only when other options fail. I tried this once with a priest who mistreated me, and it worked wonders. If people see that you will not passively accept mistreatment, they will usually start treating you better.

Sometimes, Catholics try to tell you to focus on Jesus in the Sacrament and to just accept the priest as a human being.  Somehow, this doesn't quite work for me. I am a teacher. Do I have bad days? Yes? Do I become impatient? Yes. Do I yell when I shouldn't? Yes, rarely. BUT, I always apologize and try to atone for my actions. Some priests think they are above all this because they hold the right hand of God. If a priest is consistently a jerk, there is no reason to tolerate it.

The Catholic Church cannot have it both ways. They cannot tell the faithful that priests have extraordinary spiritual powers and then when the priest acts like a jerk tell them that priests are only human and to focus on Jesus.

Here's a big secret: a lot of people are priests, not because they have a vocation, but because they are hiding out from their problems. They lost a girlfriend and are heartbroken. They are gay and want an excuse not to marry. They are escaping poverty in their country of origin.

Here is a rule of thumb: if you wouldn't accept a certain kind of treatment from a business associate or family member, don't accept it from your priest. I am talking here about a consistent pattern of misbehavior, not a bad day or the character faults we all have.  If the treatment is repeatedly bad, vote with your wallet by changing churches. And if you won't change churches, write the bishop.

Long, Dark Night of the Soul

I haven't been to mass in, I think, two months. I simply don't want to spend an hour of my life daydreaming in a church pew. I have always struggled with the idea that the communion wafer is the real presence of Jesus, who doesn't seem that real to me anyway. Oddly, the less I believe in the theology about him, the more I like him as a human being. He is, after all, the man who defended sinful women against their accusers and believed in teaching women. He also understood the devastating effects that social disapproval have on people, as evidenced by his changing the water into wine and healing skin diseases that were probably something akin to psoriasis or eczema rather than leprosy.  He knew that, often, life really is about the small stuff and that the small stuff is important. It is too bad that such a wise and compassionate man is obscured by theological pedantry like the trinity and blood atonement.

Anyway, if I could write my own prayer, it would be this:

Dear Lord, we pray

• For all people who have lost someone or something dear to them.
• For those who are unjustly imprisoned, that they may speedily regain their freedom.
• For victims of war and violence
• For anyone experiencing physical or emotional abuse and degredation, that they may be brought to a place of safety
• For all who have physically disfiguring conditions, that they may find medical help and loving acceptance from others
• For persons suffering from mental illness, that they may find understanding
• For all people with sleep disorders, that they may find relief.
• For the lonely, especially for single mothers and their children
• For abused and neglected children
• For all those tormented by past sins, that they may find peace.